Lately I find myself balking whenever someone asks me, “How are you?” I’m in sort of a spiritual in-between phase where a lot of the veils have lifted (about the matrix we call life, about family, food & health, relationships, social norms, etc.). This means that I find myself seriously pausing before giving the pat answer of, “I’m fine” as it doesn’t feel like the whole truth and frankly, I am done lying to other people and lying to myself.
On the other hand, I also find that part of me just doesn’t want to get into it as “it” (a.k.a. my life and the answer to this question) is complicated. It’s not because I don’t know how I am, but part of me wonders how the other person would react to an actually honest answer that doesn’t just gloss over my currently complex feelings.
So, how am I? I am going through a lot of changes that frankly, seem a little (and sometimes extremely) uncomfortable. I am experiencing the great loss of my mom and all mother figures I had been close to (again) nearing Mother’s Day. I am questioning my living situation that frankly, doesn’t leave me fulfilled or happy or feeling all that comfortable in my own skin. I am feeling overwhelmed, sometimes burdened, and also excited by my new management role at work. I am wondering how to fit self-care and self-love into these really tight and rigid boxes that I’ve somehow created for myself and allowed myself to be placed in. I am wondering if, when, how I will ever get started on my own healing business and do the work that is in my heart. And I am feeling like I have no desire to celebrate my birthday this year (which happens in 4 days), mostly because I am tired and overwhelmed, but also because I am tired of caring about things that society says we should care about just because. Frankly, I have bigger fish to fry and I’ll be working that day anyway. I’m also aware that there are powers within myself that would love to have me fail, die, continue the false stories in my mind, and generally continue on a path of self-destruction and ill-health — anything but acknowledging the Light and Power I hold within.
And simultaneously, I am aware that “this too shall pass”… that what I’m experiencing now is just part of my particular version of spiritual awakening…that I will eventually either move out of my home into a space and accompanying relationships that truly feel aligned or I will find a way to reach alignment where I am currently living. I know that there are many Angels and guides who love and support me, who are cheering me on towards embodying the Master Goddess I was born to be. In this sense, I am perfectly okay, perfectly safe, Divinely loved, and I always will be.
And while this may feel like yet another rant about why life has to be so complicated, I’m in a place where I choose to honor how I feel — not just one version of me, but ALL of it. Because this is where the Magic resides.
Love and Peace, y’all. ❤